Goodnight Beautiful One

Today they took Kathy off the fluids. Which means we are down to days now. I thought I was doing well. Supporting the mrs. and all. The last two days though have not gone so well. The mule kick to the gut doesn't seem to go away and all I can think about is why I am being so self centered. I have tried to put some metta meditation her way, in the hopes that she goes peacefully, but right now she is hurting. I have been able to have some good conversation with her the last couple days, I told her I will take care of her daughter and grandkids. We talked about all the memories, and cried alot. I turn into a blubbering mess everytime I think anout it.

I think she sees the end now, and I will miss her more than I can comprehend right now. It is only now hitting me how much for some reason. My narrow little view of the world... I never saw it coming, didn't see the big hole that will be in our lives now. The one grandparent that we couldn't afford to lose..... great, I could go on about that issue for a while but I won't. I have tried to plunge myself into work or into a workout to try to avoid the pain. The concept of sitting with the pain is hard. It is easier to sit and try to breath in her pain and breath out love to her.

It is hard not be angry and start kicking the shit out of things. It is just to sad. I will miss you Kathy, and i am only just beginning to realize how much. Thank you for accpeting me without judgement and only showing me love. Many more tears to come.....that I do know.